What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 03:25
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I have no regrets .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I never cut or harmed myself..
And i lived it daily.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She loved him until the end.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im still living with it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
This is soul school!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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I waited trembling.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We were not on the streets..
Why should the law care about what I do behind closed doors?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So whats the point in blame.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My life is so biszare .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Put me off passion for life!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Was to survive, this bastard.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was seconnd youngest,
Especially a lifetime of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But it wasn’t much.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Who then, do I blame.?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I don,t even have a pension.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So, i spoilt her more .
What did i know ?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was 9 years of age.
But ive been too sick for many years..
When she asked me how she looked .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I did it because my mum asked me too!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But, we were locked up after school.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One cannot live in the past .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She found it foreign!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was in good health!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I write beautiful poetry .
All the time i was locked up.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I think the readers, may guess!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He knew the spot.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was very sick at this time too.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We all went to grammer schools
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My family never makes their pension either.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Comes on , in middle age.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why did i forgive my father ?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She married twice! .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I said to her
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was scared of men, in general
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Would this be the day?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I will be 64.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She wouldn,t have been !
Ive learnt so much.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It was going to be , some day.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I couldn’t, believe it.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.